Pimp my dating profile

All names, aliases, and identifying details have been changed.The address that emailed me, [email protected], sounded more like a newsletter listing Manhattan parties and Brooklyn festivals than a man searching for love.I jokingly demanded to be his best man, gave unsolicited advice about the wink feature, and signed off as “Your Virtual Wingwoman.” Josh said I had a good eye.My PDFs were arranged strategically: pretty, pretty, less pretty, flattering photograph of a woman who violated the proposed weight statutes of the agreement, plain, gorgeous, pretty, plain, clear violation of terms, pretty.I crafted a fake profile full of double-entendres and general asshattery, as a tribute to the Josh I’d never seen or spoken to in real life.Jack And Coke UWS was blonde, athletic, never married, and a cigar aficionado.Later, when I saw how popular Jack And Coke UWS was with a certain type of woman, I realized that there was no reason to mold my avatar in Josh’s imagined image.

Was I committing an act of psychic injustice against any woman in the four or nine slot, setting her up for a big zero? His emails were short and business-like, sometimes acknowledging but never joining in on my jokes. The Behavioral Analysis Unit was investigating a human trafficking ring and I was scanning for similarities to my current situation. Maybe he was abusive, or a cheat, or a registered flasher.

He didn’t give much feedback, which I considered confounding. Who could this Josh be, and why did he need my help? Maybe he did that thing where he asks subjective questions but acts like there is a right answer.

Once, when I asked, he informed me that some of the women I’d sent “just can’t squeeze into the slender category,” specifying which ones had tipped the scales out of her favor. At the same time that I was indulging my love of worst-case scenarios, I understood that worrying too much about this process was stupid.

I cringed at his racial requirements (whites only, like a ’50s water fountain) and attempts to put a weight limit on prospective matches.

Basically he was looking for a nonsmoking Jewish brunette in her early to mid-30s with a college education, graduate degrees preferred.

Search for pimp my dating profile:

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Almost all of the parameters were accounted for in the algorithm, so I only needed to evaluate pictures, with a cursory profile glance to make sure there was at least a grasp of basic grammar.

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