Dating and intimacy after divorce
You hate the feelings of the unknown that cause the tightness in your chest, that choke your throat. The abandonments from the past hurt too much that you can’t sustain anything further. Avoiders believe that they can handle things themselves and shouldn’t rely on anyone else, especially in hard times when support is needed.
You try to speak to them but it never comes out right, it never comes out as the way that you think it should sound. They believe that they should just suck up the pain and work through it themselves At the beginning of the relationship, there is the honeymoon phase where so many chemicals are being released that many logical issues in character traits are not apparent.
Which is another reason why we do not mourn the love for our husbands immediately after divorce.
Even months after we split, Sundays when my kids are with their dad and I would have otherwise spent with my ex-boyfriend, I instead engaged in unseemly behavior like walking around the streets of Manhattan while bawling uncontrollably, listening to John Legend on a loop and reading the on Carrie and Mr. Not only was all this embarrassing, it was also incongruous with the events at hand. Besides the end of my relationship, my mom has been unwell.
The “I don’t need you or want you” mentality isolates you from your own feelings and those of others. The crux of it is that there is an inability to love – both to feel it and to give it.
Things that are irritating or large problems are internalized and stuffed away, versus being brought out. The emotions are released through one or many of the following non-exhaustive list of items: You could classify the avoider mentality as a large amount of defences rolled into one complex milieu of mechanisms to prevent any further trauma.
Beginning in childhood, the poisonous seed of the avoider mentality is planted: As a child cannot get their needs met when asking for them, or as they get rejected, they learn that they must rely on themselves alone to get what they desire.
I don’t want to make you angry or scare you off I just don’t know how to express myself. Emotions are walled off so as to not feel vulnerable, leaving intimacy dead in the water.